Saturday January 19, 2010

Oh what a day! We were blessed with the opportunity to fast. I was incredibly proud of the boys. They didn't even blink an eye when we had a family counsel, requesting them to fast with Jason and I. We explained to them the reason for the fast, that Ashley was ready to return to Heavenly Father and was asking for a blessing of release. They were expressly grown up as we explained what that was and why we were were fasting about it. This morning, they got up, and without complaint, happily fasted for their sister. I couldn't believe how willing they were. There was a very special spirit in our home. We had the boys fast until lunchtime, and then we prayed and ended their fast with them. Jason and I continued fasting until dinnertime.

Over the course of the day, Ashley remained the same. She had lots of dizzy spells and moments when she said her eyes were crossed. That happened three times when she was using the bathroom and it was very frightening for her. Her appetite was not great, but she did agree to eat a popsicle, but only after she knew the boys weren't fasting anymore. She didn't want them getting upset seeing her eating, when they were not. Even desperately sick, Ashley was more concerned for the welfare of her brothers that her own misery. I will never cease to be amazed at the inner compassion of my little angel. Even tonight, after dinner was finished, when I was helping her get to the bathroom, she was deeply concerned that I hadn't been able to eat yet, after fasting all day. She told me she would be super quick so I could eat my supper while it was still warm. Oh my goodness how she melts my heart!!!!

Tonight her dad and I came into the bedroom with her. We all three discussed the feelings we had after fasting today. She was very upset at the time. While we were saying family prayer, she tried to go to the bathroom by herself. It exhausted her so much, she had a hard time climbing back into bed and then she couldn't breathe. We found her in a crumpled heap, barely on the mattress, crying her eyes out. When I asked her why she hadn't paged me on the walkie, (which is our system when I am not in the room with her), she told me she didn't want to interrupt family prayer. Can you believe that?? Here she is, so sick she can hardly sit up, let alone climb off and onto the bed, and she is more concerned about interrupting family prayer than about falling!! Bless her heart!! I held her and she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. She was so scared Heavenly Father would say no, that she couldn't have a blessing of release. She even prayed for strength to accept whatever answer we received. We know, beyond a doubt, it is time to let her go. She is ready. We are not ready, but we will be alright. I don't think a person is ever ready to lose someone they love so much!! The most important thing, is to make sure Ashley knows we are okay letting her go, that we will be alright. We won't be angry. She asked Jason and I two times if we were upset she wanted to die. We both had to gently reassure her we were not angry. We were sad, but never angry. All we want for her, is for her to have peace. She deserves it. She has endured bravely for so long.

After our talk, Jason gave her a very special blessing. It was not a blessing of release, but he did bless her to know that it was alright for her to let go. We were not angry she wanted to return to her Heavenly Father. We were ready and willing to let her go, and we would be alright. It was a beautiful blessing!! I can't believe the powerful blessings Jason has given over the past while. WOW! How thankful I am for the priesthood, that I married a worthy priesthood holder who is in tune with the spirit, and can use his priesthood at any time, day or night. After the blessing, we sat and cried and held our angel. Tomorrow we will make arrangements for another priesthood holder to come and help give Ashley her blessing. She was at peace with that. I am at peace with that. Jason is at peace with that. I know in the strength of the Lord, nothing is impossible. We will be strong. We will keep moving forward.